Fantasy Football Week 5

Disclaimer: In this Blog you will read accounts of my friends that may make them sound like; idiots, fools, or raise questions regarding their manhood.  To clarify; many of my friends are foolish idiots with questionable manhood.

Week 5 Matchup: the Scipio AfricANUS’s (3-1) vs. Renegade Angels (4-0)

“If he dies, he dies.” – Ivan Drago, Rocky IV

It is week five of the fantasy football season.  I am off to my best start ever since joining the league 3 years earlier.  I won my first three games, put up the second highest amount of total points, and looked like I could be the best team in the league.  Then week 4 struck.  I was projected to blow out my competitor by over 50 points but week 4 had different ideas.  Aside from my QB and DEF, only two other players scored touchdowns: Graham and Johnson.  It is hard to win a game when people don’t score.  I made some poor coaching choices about who to start and in the end I lost to the Braddlesnakes by 4 points, a heart-breaker.  To make matters worse I play Michael and his Renegade Angels this week.

While I was on losers row, Matt and Michael were having an old fashioned slug-fest.  Matt, Michael, and myself have proven ourselves to be far and above the rest of the competition in the league so their game with both of them 3-0 at the time was destined to be entertaining.  Their matchup reminded one of a heavy weight boxing match where the two fighters stand toe to toe and land haymaker after haymaker on each other’s chin. (It’s not about how hard you can hit, but how hard you can get hit and keep pushing forward!!) Perhaps a better metaphor would be that of civil war ironclads duking it out.  I lob my missile you lob yours.  Payton Manning put up 47 points for Matt.  Phillip Rivers puts up 51 for Michael.  Matt’s four running backs earn no less than 18.5 points per person. Mikes DEF gets 35 points.  It was insane.  I struggled to earn 120 points last week while, Matt earned 180 and lost.  Michael went on to win, and break every scoring record set in the last four years by putting up 238 points. It was impressive…

The fact that Michael won while, Matt and I lost was bad enough. But now he reigns as the only undefeated team in the league and he has the all-time scoring record. This wouldn’t bother me if it were David or Jeff or even John Doe because they don’t brag.  Michael however, is a totally different beast. 

Michael will never let you live down that fact that you lost to him.  Here are some examples of texts received from Michael during a group text conversation that Matt, Michael and I are part of. 

11:00pm Monday – Dudes I said at the beginning of the season that I have the best team, and your scoffed at me, will do you believe me now you taints?

12:01pm Tuesday – Matt it’s over, I have the best team, and Foster scored more than Charles, na na na na boo boo, stick your head in doo doo.

12:29pm Tuesday – Sean I’m coming for you next week.

3:30pm Tuesday – I understand that you guys are jealous of my perfect fantasy team and a perfect record but lets be civil.

4:51pm Wednesday – Dude Matt several times during class today, my mind drifted to how I beat you in fantasy football this week, and a smile came to my face.

11:17am Thursday – Hey Matt remember when Arian Foster scored more points than Jamal Charles and I beat you in fantasy?

This sample accounts for about 1/20 of the total texts sent.  It is relentless. It is brutal.  Matt and I have considered many options to end the torment.  Most recently, Matt suggested that we get Michael into a car and sacrificed ourselves by driving it off a cliff, just to end his reign of terror.  I quickly assured Matt that if we did that we would be giving Michael exactly what he wanted.  No, There is only one way that it can be brought to an end.  Michael must be beaten, and only two people in the league stand a snowballs chance of doing so.  Matt has already fallen and will not face Michael again til the end of the season.  That leaves me, standing between peace from persecution and 8 weeks of Michael bragging. His smug texts have woken me in the middle of the night, this offends me highly.  Justice must be served. This whole episode is reminiscent of the Rocky Saga.  I (Rocky) have beaten Matt (Apollo Creed, which I did week 3) and we are now best buds.  Out of nowhere some Russian Jerk (Michael) shows up and kills my friend Apollo.  There is nobody else left to stand up to this cocky roid-infested mongoloid.  I have to battle him, and a battle it shall be.  

Starting Lineups for Week 5

The Scipio AfricANUS’s	Renegade Angels
Michael Vick, QB	Aaron Rodgers, QB
Darren McFadden, RB	Darren Sproles, RB
Ray Rice, RB	Arian Foster, RB
Brandon Marshall, WR	Jordy Nelson, WR
Calvin Johnson, WR	Victor Cruz, WR
Jimmy Graham, TE	Tony Gonzalez, TE
Eric Decker, Flex WR	Devin Hester, Flex WR
Lamar Miller, Flex WR	Fred Jackson, Flex RB
Chiefs, DEF	Bears, DEF
Dan Bailey, K	Matt Bryant, K

The projected scores have me winning 126 to 120, I however am not as optimistic.  Many of my players are listed as ‘probable’ or ‘questionable.’  I believe my team at full health can take on Michael but without full health there is only one way that I can obtain victory.  I must control the Bull.  I know what you’re thinking: you spelled ball wrong and how can to control it? Wrong.  I did not spell ball I spelled Bull.  The story of the Bull is old and it is not one I shall tell today but it is essentially this: at certain times, for reasons incalculable to mortal man a person will get a hot streak and that streak will defy logic.  The bull was strong with Michael last week, and reason stands that it will stay with him this week.  If however, the scales of Bull shift in my favor, I can pull victory from the clutches of defeat. I can slay the Renegade Angel. 

     Names appearing from left to right: The Scipio AfricAUNS's and the Renegade Angels.