United States of Swearing

I stumbled upon this article the other day and found it to be very interesting. According to a study conducted Ohio is the top swearing state in the U.S. and the 5th least courteous, meaning when people from Ohio swear at you its because they are ticked off and mean you malice.  In contrast Maryland is the number two most swearing state but the third most courteous, so when they swear it is with goodwill toward men.

Example:

Maryland:  Have a nice effing day!

Ohio:  I hope you have an effing terrible day!


check out the link below to get the full scoop and see some fancy maps and charts:

http://www.theatlanticcities.com/arts-and-lifestyle/2013/12/congratulations-ohio-you-are-sweariest-state-union/7756/

I Have a New Favorite Animal

I was recently asked what my favorite animal was.  This may seem like a simple straight forward question, but for me it was not.  The reason for all the difficulty was that this question involved two things that I love very much: Animals and Ranking things in lists.  My first thought, was to ask whether I could break it down into favorite mammal, bird, fish, etc.  But before I asked the question I shushed myself.  This was indeed a simple question and it deserved a simple answer.  So begrudgingly I went to my default, ace in the pocket, old faithful answer.  The Malayan Tapir. 

    The Malayan Tapir

The Malayan Tapir has been my go to favorite animal for a number of years now.  I like it because of its uniqueness, not many people have heard of it much less list it among their favorite animals. I also like it because it looks plain awesome, like an Elephant Pig or some science project gone astray. Don’t let the looks fool you though, Tapirs are more closely related to horses and rhinos than any other animal and the Malayan Tapir is the largest in the Tapirs Family and the only species of Tapir native to Asia.  Despite my admiration for this majestic beast I knew that it no longer help the lofty position of my favorite animal.  Over the next few days I thought about the myriad of animals I had viewed at zoos and aquariums, seen on TV shows, or read about in literature.  I had some free time one evening and decided to watch a BBC TV series entitled “The Life of Mammals.” It was while doing so that I rediscovered an animal that I had first encountered a number of years ago.  The Pangolin. (Not to be confused with Penguin)

Pangolins (of which the giant variety are my favorite) are simply stated an incredible animal and upon rediscovering them I knew instantly that I have found a winner.  Pangolins look like an anteater in chainmail.  A dinosaur crossed with a M1A1 Abram. An alien from another realm.  However you describe them to appear they are arguably unlike any animal you have ever seen before.  Pangolins come in a range of sizes but to avoid confusion I will focus on the giant pangolins that are native to sub-Saharan Africa.  If my imaginative descriptions of pangolins from earlier didn’t paint a visual image of this creature for you than nothing will so simply refer to the images below.  There are several traits that make the giant pangolin so cool, the most noticeable of these is probably the scales that cover their bodies.  Other mammals have protective hardware; porcupines with quills and armadillos with tough plates, but no mammal other that the pangolin has scales.  Moreover, these scales not only offer protection from large predators but also neatly overlap to provide protection from the bites of ants and other stinging insects that the pangolin feeds upon.  Another power the pangolin possesses is the ability to emit pungent acid from a special set of glands; this acid is comparable to the spray of a skunk and is an effective way to deter predators.   Finally, the giant pangolin is remarkable because it doesn’t use its front legs for walking.  Instead it uses its back legs and tail for balance groping through the underbrush with the look of a drunken velociraptor.  These animals can weigh up to 70lbs and reach 4.5 feet in length.  Their scales are not those of a reptile or fish but are actually made up of keratin, the same stuff human figure nails are made of.  Fortunately, pangolins are ranked as “Low Risk” on the conservation status list meaning that they are doing alright in the wild, we can only hope that this will remain the case and that this odd creature will continue to thrive.   

    Walking on Back Legs

   Defensive Position

    Armament 

    The Giant Pangolin

Keys and Legends #1

Age of Internet Empires




If you are like me you probably find yourself surfing the web numerous times throughout the day.  Whether it is on my laptop, Ipad, or Iphone I seem to always be connected.  It is so convenient to whip out an Iphone to search for the answer to a question, or pull up Pandora while at work to listen to music.  This obsession with connectivity is not only isolated to America, it is a global obsession.  In this global obsession there are several major players, the sites that everyone seems to visit on a regular basis.  A quick examination of my browser history showed that for me: Google, Yahoo, ESPN, and IMDB rank among my most visited sites.  However, I am a twenty something American male, do any of my most visited sites stand-up on a global scale?  To find an answer to this question I turned to...you guessed it...the internet.  What I found was a delightful visual created by the Alexa Company that displays a political map of the globe and the most visited website for each country.  Some of the sites will come as no surprise.  Google and Facebook are numbers one and two with 62 and 50 countries respectively. After these juggernauts the list takes a drastic drop in both global influence and popularity in America.  With Baidu(2), Yahoo(2), Al-Watan Voice(1), Mail.ru(1), VK(1), and Yandex(1) making up that lower tier the only site I have ever heard of much less used is Yahoo.  The other sites are all largely entrenched in their native countries with Yandex in Russia and Baidu in China.  Overall, the map is a fascinating testament to the global dominance of Google and Facebook and also the unwillingness of much of Asia to adopt western culture even in a globalized world.

You can view the map and read what Alexa Company has to say about it at this link:

http://geography.oii.ox.ac.uk/2013/09/age-of-internet-empires/

The "Mad" Knight

Sadly, not many people know much about the American Revelation.  Folks generally know that July 4^th is Independence Day although may don’t know why that day is significant (Insert tourist here:  the civil war ended then…right?).  Additionally, people know the big players such as Washington, Jefferson, Franklin, and John Adams.  But not many people, especially those in my younger generation can tell you why they are important or even more disturbingly, seem to care.  It should not come as a surprise then that when I prompted some work colleges into a discussion on Revolutionary War Generals there was little said about anybody other than George Washington.  Don’t get me wrong, Washington was amazing but there are many others whose combined effort helped win the war (or stifle the war effort as is the case with Benedict Arnold).  Some of the under-appreciated leaders include: Nathanael Green, Henry Knox, Artemas Ward and dare I say it a Frenchman or two.  However, my favorite revolutionary general is “Mad” Anthony Wayne. 

                                         

                                              A dashing fellow that young "Mad" Anthony 

Anthony Wayne was like myself, a Pennsylvania man.  He was born in Chester County PA to a well off family and was raised (ironically) only a few miles from Valley Forge.  As seems customary of many great minds from that day he held multiple professions. In addition to being a Major General in the Continental Army he also dabbled in: surveying, politics, and running a rice plantation.  Wayne was graced by the fact that his family was friends with Benjamin Franklin; who in 1766 asked Wayne to survey land that he owned in Nova Scotia.  Wayne’s relationship with Franklin helped to kick start his political career which was becoming prominent near the onset of the Revolutionary War.  It wasn’t until the beginning of the war that Wayne’s name became a household name.  He began his military career by raising a Pennsylvania Militia which was eventually incorporated into the Continental Army and for this action he was given the rank of Colonel.  He and his men took part in many different engagements throughout the war including the battles of; Trois-Rivieres, Brandywine, and Germantown.  Wayne’s two greatest victories and the ones that earned him his nickname were the battle of Stony Point and Green Springs.  At Stony Point he was assigned to capture a British fort along the Hudson River.  During this battle Anthony and his men preformed a daring night raid moving through a swamp to capture the superior British force.  Anthony was struck in the head with shrapnel creating a severe wound but he continued the attack.  At the battle of Green Springs he was outgunned yet led a successful bayonet charge against superior British Forces, thus securing the nickname “Mad” and earning him a promotion to Major General.  Wayne would go on to sit on the Second United States Congress and on the Pennsylvania Legislature.  He retired on his rice plantation in Georgia but was called back into duty to participate in the Northwest Indian War where he led multiple victories winning the war for the United States.  Wayne would die 2 years later from complications of gout.

Many places and things would go on to be named in honor of Wayne.  The towns of Waynesboro PA and Fort Wayne Indiana, as well as Wayne County PA are examples of this.  There is even an Ohio based brewery (the Mad Anthony Brewing Company) named in his honor whose specialty brew is an Irish Stout proudly named “the Harry Baal’s.” 

                            

                                     I sure do love Harry Baal's when I'm thirsty!!!....Wait...What?

With all the pomp and circumstance surrounding Anthony Wayne it should come as no surprise that he would be incorporated into literature as well.  In 1939 writer Bill Finger penned Detective Comics #27.  It was about a millionaire industrialist who was brutally murdered.  Unable to solve the crime police have to request backup from a private detective.  This private detective goes on to solve the case and throw the murder into a vat of boiling acid.  The detective’s name is Bruce Wayne and his secret identity:  Batman.  As it would turn out in the fictional world of DC Comics Bruce Wayne is a direct decedent of General “Mad” Anthony Wayne himself. 

But wait….It gets better!

Several months ago I received a letter in the mail from my grandmother.  We had been talking in depth about family genealogy and history and I had expressed interest in becoming the honorary family historian.  Included with the letter was a family tree.  As I examined the tree I began by reading the names, there was nothing out of the ordinary.  My attention then turned to the typed notes that appeared off to the side of some names.  My heart stopped.  Then leapt.  Then did a barrel roll.  Typed neatly to the side of Richard Idding’s (my 7 greats grandfather) name was this message: Came to Chester County from Wales about 1700. His first son Richard was grandfather to “Mad” Anthony Wayne.  Stunned for only an instant, I reexamined the chart with a newfound gusto. Take the Noecker side of the family carry the 4 add in a Cornelia Hall multiply by the power of Henry Iddings divide by the year 1700.  It was all there.  The math all added up.  “Mad” Anthony’s Great Grandfather, and my 7 Greats Grandfather were one in the same.  I was related to General “Mad” Anthony Wayne! But more importantly, I realized that I am related to Bruce Wayne….I am related to the coolest fictional superhero ever imagined….I am related to Batman! 

  

                               

He’s the relative that I deserve, but not the one I need right now.  So I’ll forget to invite him to reunions because he can take it.  Because he’s not my brother.  He’s the silent third cousin twice removed, watchful kinsman.  The "Mad" Knight. 

We Are...Terrified

We Are… Series #1

When I was a junior at Penn State University I lived in an apartment with my good friend Blake and 2 completely random guys assigned to the same apartment by the management of the apartment complex.  The guy’s names were Chris and Jeff; both were engineering majors and seniors at Penn State.  In the beginning they seemed cool and the first few weeks went well considering that I was living with people I had just met.  However, a month into the fall semester an event transpired that would come to prove that at least one of my new roommates was not cool after all.  The apartment was set up like the diagram below depicts.  I was in bedroom A, Jeff was in B, Blake C and Chris D.  Each of us had our own bedroom and shared a bathroom with another person.

It was a Wednesday night and it was Jeff’s 22^nd birthday.  He and Chris decided that they would head to downtown State College to celebrate by throwing a couple back. By a couple I mean quite a few.  By quite a few I mean a lot.  They left our apartment around 10:00pm, roughly the same time I was preparing to go to sleep.  I had an exam the next day and wanted to get a good nights rest.  I shut my bedroom door, turned off the light, got into bed, and promptly drifted off to sleep.  I wasn’t asleep long when I was awoken by a loud crash. Snapping wide awake, my eyes strained through the darkness to see the source of all the commotion.  I saw a dark figure standing in my doorway and noticed that my door had been violently thrown open so that it slammed against my closet door.  I was paralyzed with fear.  I must have looked pathetic lying in bed, covers pulled up to my chin, waiting motionless.  The shadow began to come towards me and then I realized that it was my roommate Jeff.  At this point I became less scared and more angry.  Was he coming in to steal my things? Did he always invite himself into my room when I was sleeping? 

I decided to lay in wait to see if I could catch him commit a crime.  He first wandered over to my desk, then to my dresser; talking to himself the whole time.  Eventually, he made his way to my closet and was looking at something on my top shelf.  His next action was so swift that I didn’t have a chance to stop him but do I ever wish I had.  In one fell swoop he lost interest with the top of my closet and looked down.  It was at that point I heard the sound: zippppp!  A second later I heard another sound.  The sound of water running but this wasn’t water….

Simultaneously outraged and more terrified then ever I sat up in bed and yelled at him.  This was folly and before I knew it I heard the post wiz zip and saw Jeff turning around.  He stared at me but seemed to see right through me.  I then in a not so kind voice shouted, “Jeff, do you know what you just did?!” Snapping out of his stupor he looked at me and got a big grin.  He then took two steps towards my bed and said, “Scoot over, I’m coming in.” It was at this point that any fear remaining in me dissipated.  “NO YOU’RE NOT!!!”  I screamed and proceeded to jump out of bed and forcibly guide/push Jeff out of my room.  Getting him into our conjoined bathroom I pointed to his bed room and told him to go.  He spotted his bed, smiled that drunken grin, and ran into his own room.  After which I promptly closed his door. 

Realizing that I would have to see to the urine in my closed I turned on the lights to my bedroom.  Cautiously, I peered in the closet and to my great delight (as delighted as one can be when there is wee in his closet) saw that he had managed to expel all his fluids perfectly into one of my duffle bags.  Removing the bag I assembled my meager cleaning arsenal and went to work.  I drained, toweled, and sprayed until I was satisfied, and then deposited the whole thing in the washing machine for good measure.  Exhausted, I went back to sleep being sure to lock my door.  In the morning, I confronted Jeff about the incident and…..he informed me that I made the whole event up and that it never took place.  I was irate.  He didn’t even have the courtesy to apologize for maybe doing it.  To make matters worse Blake and Chris were not sure who to believe.  I felt high and dry.  Then a few weeks later Chris and Jeff went out a second time.  This time Chris stayed sober and followed Jeff after they got home. To his astonishment Jeff went straight to my room and preceded to try and breakdown the door shouting, “Why is the bathroom locked?”  Chris directed Jeff to the proper facilities and the next time we saw one another he proceeded to apologize for having ever doubted me.  So the moral of the story? …When someone pees in your closet save the evidence!

Fantasy Football Week 6 Preview

Matchup: The Scipio AfricANUS’s vs. The Casual Dogs

I’ll try to keep this preview short, it shouldn’t be a problem because this week’s matchup will be a cakewalk.  The hard opening to my season is over I beat: Matt, Michael, and Bob all of whom have solid teams and I am now entering a tranquil stretch.  My next three games are against: Blake, John Doe, and Dave who have a combined record of 4-11.  This fact has me quite relaxed and at ease about the outcome of the next few games.  In three weeks I should be sitting pretty at 7-1 in an undisputed first place.  Knowing that I don’t need to spend time fortifying my roster as I would for tougher matches has freed up my schedule.  During all this extra time I got to thinking and one thought kept coming to the top of my mind: I BEAT YOU MICHAEL!!! (I beat you Michael is not actually the thought that kept coming to mind, but I couldn’t help myself! If you are reading this Michael I must let you know that it is lonely on top.)

The thing that I couldn’t stop thinking about was Blake’s team name; The Casual Dog’s.  After considerable thought I have decided that this name is…is what? I cannot seem to form an opinion on it.  When I asked Blake how he came up with name he started rambling on about his honeymoon and something about Maine and blah, blah, blah.  It was all very wearisome and I lost interest quickly.  I did however retain enough attention to notice that Blake’s team was without a mascot.  So, cute honeymoon tale aside I set out on a search scouring the web for “Casual Dogs” in the most literal sense of the term.  These are my top votes for Blake’s new mascot:

                      Casual Dog 1: The Swinger

            Casual Dog 2: Clint Eastwood meets France 

  

                   Casual Dog 3: Jolly Good!

                                                       Casual Dog 4: The Hipster

                                                           Casual D--....Hmmm

                  Casual Dog 6: Did I stutter?!!!

                                                     Casual Dog 7: The Original

If I had to place a wager I would say Blake's favorite would be Casual Dog 2.  I'm personally a fan of #5 but thats just me.  Another wager I would place is that Blake is going to have a rough week against me.  Hopfully, I end up on the winning side of that bet.  

Silent But (Not So) Deadly

Warning: certain aspects of this story have been dramatized to enhance the storytelling effect.  All events are based on a true story.

A piercing cry sliced through the cold silent air like the sharpened blade of a knife.  I instantly stood to my feet, my ears straining to hear if the cry would come a second time.  Moments later it did.  It sounded as though it was the cry of a woman in her mid to late 30’s and it was close.  You could hear the panic in her voice by the way the last syllables in the word she was screaming raised an octave or two.  The word was HELP!  Quickly churning, my brain lept into action I made for the sound but there was something wrong with my eyes, I couldn’t see right, what was wrong with them? It was almost as if a fine mist had settled upon them.  In an effort not to delay aiding damsel in distress I pressed forward rubbing my eyes, throwing all caution to the wind.  Moments later, my vision started to partially return, the massaging of my retinas seems to be working at least for the time being.  Good, one crisis at a time.  I had determined that the cry for help was coming from the southwest and I started heading in that direction.  It didn’t take long before I stumbled upon the whole disgusting scene.  To the left was the woman, my estimates were correct she looked to be in her mid 30’s.  She was tall; probably 5’9, thick around the hips and waist, with a pale complexion and blonde hair.  Despite the horror that was etched upon her brow you could tell that she had lived a good life she was probably into home décor, soap operas, and the like.  Additionally, she probably had some generic American name like Samantha or Sherry or one of a thousand others.  Regardless, of her name or her background I could tell her fear was real, following her gaze I saw the source of all the tension and anxiety.  Perched upon the wall not three feet from her head was…Halyomorpha Halys!! That’s right you heard me, Halyomorpha Halys.  Better known as; The common stink bug. 

Now, I know what you are thinking: I read the warning at the top but seriously what actually happened because that dramatization was absurd.  For you killjoys out there that thought that, shame on you for ruining a good story but I will humor you by summing up more a more realistic account. 

Account 2:

I was sitting in my cubical at work.  It was freezing! The AC was cranked on high and the vent underneath my desk was aimed at an unforgiving angle.  I mean seriously; who puts an AC vent underneath a desk and who runs the AC in October?  I had been working on adding applications to a computer database when I heard one of my coworkers start whining.  This was not a new occurrence, especially for this particular coworker, so I proceeded to ignore her.  In a bold change of tactics she stopped whining nonsense sounds and started whining, “Sean, help me.”

I could no longer pretend to ignore her so I rose to my feet.  I must have stood up a tad too quickly. That coupled with the fact that I had been staring at a computer monitor for the last few hours caused my eyes glazed over gave me the instant feeling of dizziness.  I sat back down to regain my composure.  I was determined not to make the same mistake a second time. I made sure all prior symptoms had been resolved as I readied myself for attempt two.  I didn’t want to pull a hammy.  Successfully, standing I exited my cubical to the left (southwest) and walked 10 yards to where all the commotion was taking place.  The person responsible for this particular outbreak was a 5’9, blonde haired, pale skinned, 30 something coworker of mine named Samantha Sherry (Poor girl has two first names).  She was bouncing up and down like a 4 year old girl who had to pee and was pointing at a wall several feet away.  Reaching her I inquired as to what the problem was and she informed me that there was a bug.  I use the expression, “She informed me” loosely because at this point she was still whining, bouncing, and failing to communicate successfully.  Fortunately, my eyes had recovered from the computer induced slumber enough for me to see the Stink Bug chilling on an opposing door frame. 

Shouldering my manly duties I readied to smash the bug into yesterday when Samantha Sherry said, “No don’t kill it!” Astonished, more by that fact that she had finally used big girl words than by what the words actually said, I steadied my blow.  Turning to face her I said nothing but gave her a look that did more talking in a quarter second than ten hours of her whining ever could.  She seemed to interpret my thoughts and started backpedaling explaining that she didn’t want to kill the Stink Bug she just wanted it removed from her presence.  Sighing, I gingerly picked up the bug and carried it to a nearby door sending it on its way.  Turing around to head back into work I caught a glimmer of some movement out of the corner of my eye.  Glancing over at the movement I thought I saw what looked like another Stink Bug on the outside wall of my workplace, I knew this couldn’t be right so I did a quad-take to be sure my eyes were not cheating me.  To explain a quad-take is twice that of a double take.  Needless to say it jars your brain around.  I do not recommend it if you are prone to getting concussions, have asthma, or are currently pregnant.  The quad-take confirmed my suspicions.  There was indeed another Stink Bug on the wall, but it didn’t stop with one.  The entire wall was crawling with them, the invasion had begun.  Feeling outgunned, I retreaded to my cubical and quickly lost myself in some work. 

The whole episode was very taxing and it was one I do not hope to soon repeat, but it did start my brain churning.  Ten years ago I am certain there were no Stink Bugs in South Central Pennsylvania.  5 years I am reasonably certain that there were no Stink Bugs in South Central Pennsylvania.  Yet now, in October 2013 there is a viable stink-pocalypse descending upon PA.  How did this happen?  What is the story behind this stinking menace? and dangit why do I always crave Chipotle when they are around?

As it turns out the Stink Bug is a native of Southeast Asia:  China, Japan, and Korea.  They were accidentally introduced to the United States in the late 1990’s and the first specimen was collected in Allentown Pennsylvania by researchers from Muhlenberg College.  Since then the Stink Bug has been shown itself to be an effective traveler and now takes up residence in the majority of the United States.  The Stink Bug prides itself in being an agricultural pest.  It is known to feed on; apples, peaches, cherries, soy beans, and sweet corn.  Pretty much everything humans like to eat, Stink Bugs also like.  The way they damage fruit is by a technique known as cat-facing.  What is cat-facing you ask? Well, I’ll tell you! Cat-facing is the scarring or deformation of any fruit or vegetable.  In the case of the Stink Bug it is a result of feeding on the fruit through its proboscis (straw like) nose.  Most often this scaring is found near the blossom end of the fruit and it is also normally only a shallow wound.  This means that normally a cat-faced (<-- Doesn’t that just sound dirty?) fruit is still good to eat, you just need to cut away the bad areas.  Unfortunately for farmers, people want shiny, plump, untainted fruit.  So selling products that have been cat-faced is bad business. 

Luckily, Stink Bugs are, as the name suggests bugs.  This means that will die in a few days right? Wrong.

Mayfly – 24 hours

Housefly – 4 weeks

Dragonfly – 4 months

Stinkbugs – 1+ years

The stink bug can live for longer than a year and it is able to survive winter.  The bugs will crawl into any nook and cranny they can find to gain warmth.  Your home is fair game as you have probably already discovered.  Once finding a warm area the Stink Bug goes into a hibernation mode until it becomes warm outside.  That is unless the warm place they find is your home, in which case they will fly around your ceiling lights repeatedly smashing their faces against the bulbs.  Post hibernation the bugs head outside to reproduce.  Some positives are that research shows Stink Bugs are not poisonous and will not lay eggs inside houses, so you need not worry about a colony taking root under your bed. (I bet that last comment will keep some people up wondering at night).

As for the stink from which Stink Bugs so aptly get their name; researchers believe it is a defense mechanism used to deter predators.  Science has yet however to explain why that smell is almost identical to that of cilantro. Perhaps those were not chicken burritos after all.

Sources:

http://akorra.com/2010/03/04/top-10-shortest-living-organisms/

http://extension.usu.edu/files/publications/factsheet/cat-facing.pdf

http://ento.psu.edu/extension/factsheets/brown-marmorated-stink-bug

http://www.orkin.com/other/stink-bugs/do-stink-bugs-stink/